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The key board feels a million miles away from my heart right. Words I want to express thoughtfully and with reverence allude. As is often the case the thoughts I'm mulling over are prompted by a girlfriend yesterday asking me: "How do you do it, Kellie?"
The short answer is: I don't. We (John and I together) haven't. God does.
Again, looking back at the walk this roof cave in gave us, the initial few months were one of shock and fear and a tremendous amount of tears. In the beginning the amount of grace I gave myself as a wife and mother came from the wise words of a woman who told me the following: After my husband died, I spent 3 weeks in bed, I couldn't do it. I had a 1 year old crawling on the floor and I had to get up, but couldn't. I knew instantly I wasn't alone, the black hole I felt spiraling inside was normal. This beautiful woman's life and testimony (It's an amazing one full of such love!!!!) of restoration spoke to me and I could know that His provision for us would be enough, too.
Therapy Sessions, Phone calls with lawyers, social workers, overseeing my children's education, writing endless checks to people all took their toll on me and I would wind up spending 1/2 of my day in bed or in my chair. I just couldn't function. I was drawn constantly back to my foundation of Faith and I needed the rest and quiet to cling to it. Awana verses I'd memorized with my children were my first thoughts day and night. They sustained me. Living on the manna of the Father above.
Romans: There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Job: Tho He slay me, yet will I serve Him.
Genesis: God saw Hagar in the desert with Ishmael, I knew the I AM saw us!
Mary's reply to God's will: Oh my soul does magnify the Lord and my spirit does rejoice in God my Savior.
If a beautiful Hebrew young girl was chosen to take on the birth of the Messiah of the World and all the anguish and joy it would bring her; clearly with that same (now crucified for me and RISEN!)Messiah's help, I could have the same maternal reply.
And so, in the beginning, needing much rest and taking it, I clung to my faith and the scriptures memorized in my heart.
Next up: the power of good books in a mom's life and the role they played.
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:) This is a beautiful series of posts. I'll look forward to reading about the power of good books. Maybe you should do a post on what-not-to-say when crisis happens. HA!
ReplyDeleteJob is a difficult book to read--it took me years after my devastation before I could read it. But, learning the false philosophies of the "friends" is eye-opening.